why wy?

i haven't been in a mood to blog, because of all the heartbreaking reports that are emerging: Couples separated; the mother who managed to push her child onto a floating mattress before she was swept away; the mother who had to choose which of her children to save (both lived thankfully); the children who don't know their parents are dead; people who are the only survivors of their village.

i'm glad i was too broke and couldn't take leave, so tossed the idea of a diving/beach/climbing holiday in thailand. i'm glad that people i know who were supposed to be in phuket ended up not going. and i'm glad that people i know who were in the area are not hurt. and i'm glad that people all over the world are pitching in to help.

Am ipodless for the first time ever, it's on loan to dr kev, before he goes to aceh as part of the singapore army medical team. Some bloggers are complaining why it's taking so long - the first team will leave tomorrow, five days after the tsunami hit. but from what i understand, any military mission needs to be approved by the cabinet first, which is a sensible thing to do, in a democracy (maybe a bit faster next time). and there was also something about aceh being in the midst of civil war and therefore a sensitive issue with the indonesians.

we sent kev off with tiger beer and teh alia (ginger tea) last night, and recommended ciggies and which sweets to give out to the street children. the sweets, not the ciggies.

it's a terrible tragedy, so hug the person next to you and feel grateful for all the things you still have time to do. if you haven't heard about the earthquake, tidal waves and death toll of 20,000 and rising, go to google news.
If you want to give, you can donate to the red cross. I think other international agencies are still putting their donation sites together.
thanks.

this, i kid you not, are the blurbs on the cover of the latest maxim - a magazine for men.
multidate like a pro - juggle two or more girlfriends at the same time
are women pure evil? - finally proof that girls are really the devil's spawn
speechless - a shoot so hot it paints a thousand words (p54)
take it all off, doc - behind the scenes at a sex change op
get ready to die! - we're off to rio, the city of death
happy new gear - 50 ultra cool gadgets that will jingle your bell
five questions for U2
the best ladies nights to check out
how to get make up sex
and for the cover girl - mama mia, debbie wong's got us so xcited we cnt evn spel!

i suspect they did it because they couldn't make all the words fit. the magazine is fine as comedy but i hate to think that there are some out there who will take it seriously...

merry christmas everyone, and may you not get sick all over the person you like.

This has been floating around on the net but it first came to my attention here. I watched national treasure yesterday, which felt like an american history lesson for 6 year olds, all revved up and with pretty people. I half expected at the end, for someone to say, there is no treasure except in the proud american heritage we've just spend the last hour showing you. but no, but it did deliver a whole cavern full of booty.


A letter from the Home Office to the People of America

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP; for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens a side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". French is the first language of a country called France which is in Europe. Europe is one of the continents in the world other than your own.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips.

Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager.

From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

best bad sex moment Yes, the defining awards in literature are out, and this year, it goes to Tom Wolfe!

here is it:

"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

but i thought this entry by South African author Andre Brink should get special mention for describing the woman's vulva:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

ewwww.

and this has to be the blogging equivalent of a chain letter.
1. Open up the music player on your computer.
2. Set it to play your entire music collection.
3. Hit the “shuffle” command.
4. Tell us the title of the next ten songs that show up (with their musicians), no matter how embarrassing. That’s right, no skipping that Carpenters tune that will totally destroy your hip credibility. It’s time for total musical honesty.
5. Write it up in your blog or journal and link back to at least a couple of the other sites where you saw this.
6. If you get the same artist twice, you may skip the second (or third, or etc.) occurances. You don’t have to, but since randomness could mean you end up with a list of ten song with five artists, you can if you’d like.

My list (surprisingly non-embarrassing)
1. with this love, peter gabriel, passion: music for the last temptation of christ
2. as, gene harris, blue note trip sunday morning
3. street spirit, radiohead, the bends
4. wouldn't it be nice to be your first, go home productions
5. mei gui xiang go (sandy lam), lin yilian
6. witchcraft, anita baker and frank sinatra, duets
7. fang qi ni, jacky cheung, towards 1999
8. love changes everything, climie fisher
9. aquarela do brasil II, caetano veloso and joao gilberto
10. eso beso (that kiss), Nancy Ames, mundo latino

the ipod shuffle challenge was sighted on indian stallion, mr brown and project maya.

okaay, i'm sure this is going to be a decent flick if it is ever made, and it is based on comics that i read, and it is a character that i like, but billing it as the pianist meets x-men just evokes the wrong images in my head. It's about the early days of x-men villain magneto (ian mckellen in movie version), buy me a beer and i'll go through the character's history - even all the confusing clone bits. or buy me a beer to shut me up.

talking about guilty pleasures, apple definitely needs to create a hidden playlist for the ipod. So when people scroll through your pod to check out your music and by extension your personality, you won't be judged on the abba, all saints and boney m tracks that "somehow got on your ipod without your knowledge".

marrying someone old enough to be your father is passe these days. this woman is marrying somebody old enough to be her grandfather. he's 82, she's 28. go figure. it must be love, or age spots. or love of age spots.
english.eastday.com

It was the 3rd prize in the office party - although prize is not really the right word to use, because all the prizes were gifts from newsmakers to journalists that we had declare to the office (to remove the stain of bribery), or leftover reader freebies.
I was hoping to trade for a phone prize, but since all of them were really old, the lure of cheap roadside thai food proved too overwhelming, even if i have to do some official hand shaking and press thingies in the day.

And it was also the thought that most people would jump at the chance of going, and here i was, trying to push it off to someone else like a recycled present.

singlish lesson #1
auntie -
1. your relative, an aunt. 2. any elder female person, usually at least 10 years older than you or in their 40s and up. It can be used as an insult, when a young person calls someone of the same age or slightly older an auntie. Are you saying I'm old? Which leads us to 3. A style of dressing associated with elderly women. Usually a loose printed shirt with pants, sometimes matching, sometimes not. Implies being old fashioned.
Eg: wahlau, even that auntie has an ipod.
note: uncle can be used the same way, although most prefer to use ah pek, which is hokkien for old man.

wahlau -
hokkien exclaimation, equivalent to oh my god.

rotan -
1. A really thick cane they use to whip people in prison. It's the penalty for some sex offences, including sex with persons under 16.
2. The girl looks under 16. (explained fully below)

smoking -
1. act of puffing on a cigarette, cigar, reefer etc. 2. very hip, eg the joint was smokin'. Very american. 3. to make stuff up as you go along in an attempt to sound intelligent, creating confusion among the higher ups, like a smoke screen in war. eg He smoked his way through his finals, or I smoked my boss on that report.

I had dinner with an old friend (not ah pek) from uni, and we talked about work (too much), the HR department (bunch of idiots) and girls (he's single). Trying to determine what his type was, I pointed to a couple of girls who were better than average, in my opinion.
"you need to get your glasses fixed."
"sure rotan."
"too skinny."
finally, we saw someone tall and sophisticated, in a hurry for her next appointment, and he agreed she was "not bad'.
me: er, sorry, i don't know anybody like that.
For all my upset, tall and sophisticated friends reading this, you are probably spoken for.

Right now it's raining so hard that all the buildings are covered in a grey mist.

Shaun of the Dead has turned me into a zombie, I've seen it twice already, and plan on two more times to catch all the commentaries. It's a funny film, and the guys in it are even funnier during the outtakes, extra filming bits, zombie bits etc.

Even worse is shopping this time of the year. Thankfully, for joe, I have decided not to give in and buy a new phone because 3G is coming to singapore, so any phone that I buy becomes an antique almost immediately.

I am also not going to buy my dream watch (the tissot touch) because it is too huge. I am prepared to wait for the ladies version... in a couple of years. But it is a very cool watch, with a compass, altimeter, and loads of functions that will come in useful if my plane crashes in a remote area and i am not dead.

But I am very tempted to get
1) more comics
2) a haversack - deuter bike 1 or spider
3) funky sneakers
4) the latest caetano veloso cd, i have fallen in love with his dreamy voice again

Was at the library to borrow more comics when i found out the library only opened at noon. In an uber-geek-nicole moment, i was uber thrilled that i would be the one of the first to get in...

terry has a hilarious post about catching a taxi in singapore.
i've had drivers tell me about the weather, politics, the economy - one even hinted to us that he was a former spy, sort of - but never about the best place to get working girls.

Ananova - PM offers to sleep with journalists' wives
Apparently, the paper suggested he might be gay. His response: "If people from Evenimentul Zilei newspaper want me to prove to them that I have no homosexual inclinations, I will test all their wives and girlfriends to show them where my preferences really are."

Talk about getting to know your voters.

And in other weird news, pub owners in london are fond of cliff richard - his songs are the best way to get rid of last-order drinkers at closing time

a teacher forces students to write their own "epitaph' to uderstand the meaning of life

and a coffee-drinking elephant.

Saw two movies last night - left before the third part of a anime marathon - and this is my, ahem, attempt at a review. Stop reading if you actually want to watch Casshern and Kaena. The former is based on a comic book and the latter on a game, so don't expect too much.

Casshern is the Japanese answer to Sky Captain and the others - almost everything was CGI, except the actors. The plot is Pet Sematary meets Blade Runner, and is better than it sounds. ""It walks the fine line between crap and not bad, although at times it teeters on the brink.'' - Johan

It is set in the future, not the streamlined clean future, but a grungy 1930's with robots future (it reminds me of Terry Gilliam's Brazil). Japan has attacked its neighbours in "self defense" - which has a whole different vibe cos Singapore was occupied by Japan in WWII - but the cities are ruined because of the high cost of war.

Enter misunderstood scientist who discovers that the original mountain people of Japan possess neo cells - like stem cells really, with the potential to build replacement body parts. The rest of the family is made up of sick and blind wife, headstrong son (who becomes the hero), his girlfriend and the father in law, an weapons researcher. Oh, and there is a military bad guy who looks like Dick Lee (local celeb, for aussie readers).

Son goes off to war, dies. At his funeral, a lightning bolt hits the lab, and suddenly, all these body parts floating in this soup start fusing and the replicants are born. Dad gets idea of dipping dead son in soup. That wouldn't have happened if dad was a boring accountant or lawyer.

Son comes back, but is too strong, which provides excuse for father in law to design a cool armoured suit for him. At the same time (try to keep up), the army kills all the replicants except for four who escape through snow, barefoot (johan was indignant). They find an abandoned castle, complete with a whole army of robot soldiers ready and waiting, and declare war on humans. By the way, they took the blind mum with them.

Lots of fighting, nice costumes - the replicants look like a glam rock band, and exploding robots. Exploding robots are always cool. The plot gets even more complicated and lots of people die.

But the CGI looks good, and they have an eye for billowing capes and great interiors. And exploding robots. On the downside, the actors spend a lot of time eyeballing each other before talking, a "let's look cool before we do anything'' freezeframe. Which explains why it was a 2 and half hour movie.

The second movie, Kaena, is the French attempt at Final Fantasy. Only the heroine has proper hair. Kaena and her people live in a giant tree branch, like the trabeculae of spongy bone magnified. They collect sap and pray to their gods, people made of sap. The fluid animation was pretty good. Kaena explores, because she wants to skip church, and discovers an old alien guy (not david bowie) who is the last of his kind.

His ship crashed (imagine earth's whole population piled onto the titanic). All of his civilisation's knowledge is stored in a glowing blue ball on the surface of the planet and he wants to retrieve it before flying off. Old alien guy has servants - who are giant worms with prosthetic suits that make them look like frogs. And Kaena's people eat worms, which is like if a cow came up to you and said, stop eating me, i have a superior intellect.

kaena agrees to help him, cos she's been dreaming about a blue ball of light but returns to an empty village. They've been kidnapped by the sap people! Note on the sap people - sap queen, sap male and female sap servants. Sap male is trying to get sap queen to fuse with him and she don't have much choice cos he's the only male left, but she wants more sap. Sap before sex. Talk about demanding girlfriends.

The sap male also illustrates the "i wouldn't sleep with him if he was the last male of the species'' syndrome, cos he was a major sleaze, coming on to his sap servants and even kaena. (Although her digital boobs seemed to get bigger throughout the movie.) But he did get sex eventually, merging with the queen when she was distracted, trying to destroy the blue glowing globe.

Anyhow, old alien guy dies, but the blue globe imparts its knowledge to kaena, who then leads her people to a new world where they don't need to harvest sap. The smart worms went with them, and nothing was said if kaena's people would stop eating worms.

interesting articles (to me at least)
an article on the demise of safe cracking (a sobering counterpoint to every other heist movie out there). he's got a funny snippet on this victorian criminal:

Adam Worth, a cerebrated Victorian criminal, made his initial fortune tunnelling into a bank in Boston. He then moved to England with his accomplice Piano Charlie where they both fell for an irish barmaid prostitute called Kitty Flynn. She eventually married Piano Charlie, but continued to sleep with both. Worth masterminded a huge variety of crimes in Britain, including stealing an entire diamond shipment from the Kimberley mines, and was not caught until 40 years later. He then, with his exploits publicised, became the inspiration for Sherlock Holmes’ adversary Moriarty. Both Worth and Piano Charlie died in poverty, but Kitty became a rich and litigious widow in New York.

and a series of historic anatomy drawings. very beautiful.

Via Mr brown, grace chow had a sad blog about losing her fight to cancer. Turns out she is a former philosophy honours and masters student from NUS too, which is maybe why her name sounded so familiar - I must have seen her name on a door or her thesis.

Mr brown also posted a touching (or manipulative) chain e-mail making the rounds. Great reading, especially the mistranslation "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs'', and the readers' comments after.

I seem to be in the company of babies, my best friend's kid Delia, and the tots virginia treats. It got me to thinking, I don't really know that many lullabies. (one of the mums I saw was singing to her kid in mandarin.) Songs that i know all the words:
1) baa baa black sheep
2) lullaby baby
3) bohemian rhapsody
4) some parts of ziggy stardust
and that's it. I used to know eternal flame cos we sang it a lot when we were 12. It's not looking good for any future offspring I may have.

There is a survey in the papers today, about more and more people being sleep deprived. 42% of people become grouchy without sleep, which explains my personality.
About five years ago, over lunch, we came up with the idea of a sleep room, with alarm clocks, in the office. Now, they are seriously thinking of setting up sleep booths in the UK, somewhat like the locker hotels in japan i expect, for people to grab an hour of shuteye. So i shall say it here first, when sleep booths become common place, it will be the next mile-high club. Doing it in booths will be cool. but maybe not for people with big bones.

In the spirit of the season (and because I've been surfing the net)
free music (legally):
pitchfork has great indie music, usually up-and-coming
fluxblog - also a strange mix
large hearted boy, as his name suggests.
blow up doll for female singers only
go home productions for mash (mixing two songs together)

and free stuff to read
a great e-book directory
and all the shakespeare you ever wanted.
and if you really want to spend some money, the guardian's best reads are out, though you could wait six months and get it from the library.

companies paying bloggers to write about their company, without restriction to only the good bits. Hey, what about moi?

Elseware - different design

They have really cool ideas (not always practical or cheap), like a flexible sink made of silicon, a lamp from broken glass, a door made of water...

and Make sure enough members are still alive. excellent piece from the guardian on the five important rules for a band reunion.

finally went climbing today, probably my first in a year. I did two climbs, took the wuss route on one and a layback on the other. Halfway there, i said to myself, I can't believe i used to like this. The sense of fear, your full weight resting on your big toe and a thin piece of rubber, feeling up a flat wall looking for holds (usually none or few). Now, as i type this in anticipation of aching limbs tomorrow, I think I can start to love it again, as soon as i'm a little fitter. And as soon as I can swivel my hips around more.

Have finally thought of my summer project, but it may be too ambitious. I want to be able to understand cantonese + read chinese and i thought of start watching cantonese serials with only chinese subtitles. although i wonder if it will be like the rosetta stone, where you need a known language to translate unknowns.

news in singapore - not much new really, people are too tired to have sex - one a week is rated as a good sex life - and nobody wants to have children. A war is always good for a population boom, but without resorting to drastic measures, giving people more money and more time should help. Erotic night-time tv, or even no tv at night may help, or blackouts ever so often.

It's just been three days at work, and the eyebags have returned with a vengance. My skin is dry and my brain feels like it's in a plastic bag. I could audition for the role of zombie #5 without makeup. I don't know what gave me the idea that I could get used to waking up this early again, splitting my sleep into blocks of 2 + 4 hours. And I can't afford to get sick (despite many reports that shift workers do indeed have lower immunity) because I have zero medical benefits as a temp.

Saw a play last night - a series of 15-minute plays - that I would have enjoyed more if I was less tired, and if I understood malay. I came away with this:
(pronounced) jo el ma hal - expensive sale (literally) or to play hard to get
(pronounced) jo el moo ra - cheap sale

Singapore has gone idol mad. Singapore Idol is just like Australian Idol, is just like american idol. It was the finals last night, over 1.1 million votes were cast, most of them from teenagers who cast 400 votes in an hour. (I think they would cast more, just that there is a limit on the number of votes from one phone.) I guess it is worth mentioning that Singapore also had the fastest texter in the world at one stage.

So anyhow, they have a two hour face-off, and they break for the regular news, as well as to give people time to vote. Top story on the news - I kid you not - is a recap of what happened on the show. They do some obligatory other news, then it cuts back to the idol stage! After the news, it's back to the actual show and results.

One of the judges said, when they first told him that the finals were being held in a stadium that had a 7,000 seating capacity, he was worried about filling it. It was absolutely packed. Before the show, people were scalping the free tickets for as much as $200. And selling votes too.

Girls were screaming for the top two finalists with the kind of adulation reserved for foreign celebs, chasing them around, camping outside the studio, etc. I think it's great for nation building, because everyone can talk about the same thing now. And suddenly, the talent pool here has just expanded, with the finalists. For years we've had to live with the same person trying to act, sing and appearing in two dramas on the same night. There's a rumour that elections will be held around christmas, so the joke is that we've just had it last night on singapore idol.